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12/31/2009 at 6:45 pm | Posted in iamnoahjames.com | Leave a comment

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She

12/31/2009 at 3:36 pm | Posted in Literarily Yours | 3 Comments

            She keeps staring at me.  Her eyes bore a hole through my head.  I can feel the heat from her glance, warming my face.  Immediately, I second guess if I am correct that it is me who she wants.  In other circumstances, I would be totally comfortable with her.  However, it is just the two of us; no one else is anywhere close by.

            She lustfully watches me, guessing my every move.  Her sleek, sensual body moves in a little closer every minute.

            Her recent presence in my life has made me feel in a way that I have never felt before.  I feel excited, full of anticipation, nervous…and afraid.  I don’t want to fail this.  All of a sudden, this has become the most important, crucial moment of my life.  I have to do this right.  She alone will be the factor that molds my future life.  By the look in her eyes, I can tell she is fully aware of this.  While she is naked, her dark-skinned body glows with confidence.  As the moon lights up her elegant figure, she looks even more beautiful…and deadly. 

            Now we are dancing; only, we are not touching, not holding each other.  We are still a distance from one another, moving in a circle.  A dance of love, desire, hate.  I would like to make her believe that I am leading the dance, but she knows better.  She knows that I am following her, step by step.  She knows that I dare not fall behind.  Her eyes gleam with affection, trying to soothe my anxious heart.  She tries to convince me everything will be alright by erotically licking her lips and smiling a big, bright smile.  Not convinced, I continue dancing to our tempo.  Any outside world ceases to exist.

            While they are unspoken, we both have deep desires.  However, my desire is not the same as hers.  She desires me and is convinced that she will have me for her only.  I don’t feel the same way, but it is too late for that.  At this point, I have to go through the motions.  She knows that I don’t desire her the way she does me, but she doesn’t care.  She wants me more than anyone has ever wanted me.  She will have me.

            From the first moment we met, our eyes never lost contact.  They have been glued to each other ever since, and that won’t change now.  I can’t let it.  If I drop my eyes and lose sight of her, I will die.  In her, my life is held on eggshells.  Without her visual presence, I will soon drop dead, falling into oblivion.  I understand this more and more every time I blink and see her passionate eyes looking into my own.

            Then she makes her move.  I try to say something, but she springs into my arms, holding me as we gently fall to the ground.  She places her mouth on my cheek, and then looks deeply into my eyes.

            At that moment I realize that she is the first, and last, live panther I will ever see.  And no one will hear me scream.

About Literarily Yours

12/31/2009 at 3:25 pm | Posted in Literarily Yours | 1 Comment

Literarily Yours is the section where short stories will be presented (hopefully) on a monthly basis. 

This will be a combination of old and new stories; some one-off entries & some with multiple parts; there may be poems thrown in there as well.

If you want to submit your writing, email them to me at iamnoahjames@yahoo.com .  No promises as to when/if they would be posted, but my ultimate goal is to have this section become a community of short-form writers.

Not MY Salvation

12/31/2009 at 2:52 pm | Posted in But I Digress... 2.0 | 1 Comment

Congratulations, Salvation Army, you’ve brought me out of retirement.  Here I am, minding my own business.  I’ve long since retired my discussions where I talk about the annoyances of life, and here you are requiring me to go back to work.  So here I am.  Ready to throw down some more nuggets of sanity.

So let’s get to this.  Let’s talk about what has resurrected “But I Digress…” into the present day:  The Salvation freaking Army. 

Yeah, you read me right. 

Listen, 10 out of the 12 months each year, I got no beef with these guys.  But then November rolls around and out come the bell ringers.

Nothing annoys me more this time a year than walking into/out of a store and having these people standing RIGHT by the door.  And before I get comments about how much of a doosh – This is how I spell it.  Get used to it – I am for ripping on people I don’t even know, let’s get something clear:

I don’t hate the actual bell ringers.  I don’t know their lives, or why they are out there.  I can respect their dedication to freeze their asses off and stand for hours working for a cause they (I would assume) believe in. 

My problem is with the concept & execution of the bell ringing.  Who thought this:

“Hey, the best way to make money for our charity is to combine panhandling & high pitched, non-stop ringing in front of stores.  Genius!!”

No seriously, give me a name.  I want to have words with that person.

First off, begging for change with a bell is no different than when a homeless person asks for it.  Outside of my theater there’s a lady who has NO problem yelling at people across the street, or going into businesses, asking people for money.  Not only does it rarely work, but it becomes a nuisance really quickly.

It’s the same with the bell ringing.  Since they are RIGHT outside the door, you can’t avoid them.  They know you have money.  Hell, you are at a store; they know you aren’t there to power-walk.  It’s passive aggressive behavior on their part, where they try and make you feel bad for not giving.  So either you feel guilty and give change, or you just avoid eye contact.  I don’t respond well to passive aggressive.  I’ve suffered through many years of guilt-giving women in the past, and I won’t deal with it again.

Secondly, high pitched ringing?  Really?!  How annoying is that?  They’d do better having Fran Drescher singing for money.  How in the world are those bell ringers not dying a little more inside every hour they have to listen to that horrible sound they are forced to make?

Let me make something perfectly clear:  I will never put money in those buckets. 

It has nothing to do with me not being a giving person.  Through the years and many habitat changes, I’ve donated well over a thousand dollars worth of goods to Goodwill; I’ve walked miles for CROP; I’ve helped raise funds for the Heifer Project; I’ve given money to many cheerleader car washes.  Ok, I can’t back that last one up, but the movies always made it look good.  Anyways, I’ve bought homeless people food; worked in soup kitchens; etc.  So it has NOTHING to do with me being a cold-hearted person (I AM cold-hearted, just not when it comes to stuff like that).

It comes down to the fact that a not-for-profit is using bully/passive aggressive/guilt tactics to make money.  No one should have to put up with that crap, whether it’s from a significant other, boss, religion, or charity.

Hey, Salvation Army, instead of those four cents you were trying to guilt me to give, how about I instead donate a bag of lightly worn clothes to your cause.  Guaranteed that will be much more useful to the people you help, and you won’t piss me off in the process.  So back the f**k off.

But I digress…

About But I Digress… 2.0

12/31/2009 at 2:49 pm | Posted in But I Digress... 2.0 | Leave a comment

About But I Digress… 2.0:

Welcome, one and all, to But I Digress…2.0.  The original blog ended years ago, but now I’m BACK!  When I started posting about the stupid things and people of the world years ago, I was a jaded early-twenty something.  Well, our society hasn’t gotten any brighter, so I now come before you a cynical late-twenty something.  This section is all about a community serving the greater good (the greater good) in calling out the ridiculous things of the world in a fun, interactive way. 

If you don’t appreciate humor, sarcasm, criticism, or the English language – this section is not for you.

Stupid things of the world, prepare to be called out!!

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