Chubby Italian Plumber Goes On Kill Crazy Rampage

03/17/2011 at 4:47 pm | Posted in Literarily Yours | Leave a comment

This is a story created by Indianapolis author Corey Jefferson.  He will be a regular contributor to this site’s Literarily Yours feature.


Chubby Italian Plumber Goes On Kill Crazy Rampage

          The Mushroom Kingdom was shocked on Monday by a violent rampage that left dozens dead and many more injured.  According to authorities, the rampage began early Monday morning when a local plumber by the name of Mario Mario started tearing through the Mushroom Kingdom, stomping on innocent bystanders and smashing bricks with his head as he went.  Mario’s only previous criminal record is an animal cruelty charge for his treatment of his pet gorilla.  It is unclear what exactly precipitated these attacks, however there is some preliminary speculation that it may be somehow linked to the recent kidnapping of Princess Toadstool.  The incident went on for the better part of two hours, until Mario was finally stopped.         

        “Well, obviously we have a maniac in the Mushroom Kingdom,” said Antoine, a pipe-dwelling Piranha Plant who witnessed some of the melee.  “He’s climbing on your platforms, he’s snatching your people up, trying to stomp them so y’all need to hide your kids, hide your wives, and hide your husbands, because he’s stomping everybody out here.”
          “It was horrifying,” says Alouicious Goomba, a local area Goomba.  “I was just minding my own business, walking aimlessly back and forth between two pipes as we Goombas are wont to do, when this hellion came bounding over a pipe, stomping all over the place.  Fortunately he passed me by, but the two Goombas I was with were flattened like pancakes.  It just happened so fast.  I was sure I was going to die.”

The last picture Greg De Stefano would ever take

          Montgomery, a local Koopa Troopa was one of the first creatures victimized by Mario.  Choking back sobs, he gave this haunting account: “I was just strolling through Mushroom Kingdom with my wife and before I even knew what was going on, he had stomped me, effectively knocking me into my shell.  Then he kicked me.  Even though I was spinning and dazed, I could see what was happening through my shell.  I saw myself barreling toward my wife.  My own wife.  Oh, God…”
          “He had to be on drugs,” Montgomery continued after regaining his composure.  “The way he was just smashing bricks with his head with no thought to anyone’s safety or well being, including his own.  To just slam your head through brick after brick like that, he had to be on meth or PCP or something.”
          Mario’s brother, Luigi Mario, has been detained by police for questioning for his possible involvement with the incident.  He maintains that Mario was simply attempting to rescue the missing Princess Toadstool, who he claims is being held by respected local businessman Bowser.  Nothing has been substantiated as yet, however there are some reports that a number of Toads have come forward claiming to have been held captive by Bowser.  Police continue to investigate the possible link with Princess Toadstool, but no scenario thus far presented explains the viciousness of Mario’s blood-soaked murder frenzy.  At one point he even obtained a fire flower and was carelessly flinging balls of fire all over the kingdom.
          “I’m just glad our shells are fire retardant,” said Mordecai, a Buzzy Beetle who was at a park with his Buzzy Beetle children when Mario came through, tossing fire around indiscriminately.  “The poor Spiny family next to us wasn’t so lucky.  They all got hit, tossed upside down, and fell right off the screen.  It was awful.  My children shouldn’t have to see that.  Someone needed to do something about that fat, little harbinger of death.”
          Mordecai wasn’t alone in his frustration.  Two other citizens decided that Mario had to be stopped and took matters into their own hands.  Ichabod Hammer and his brother Ignatious, known affectionately by locals as the Hammer Brothers, anticipated Mario’s berserker trajectory, took a position ahead of him in his path, and armed themselves with an endless supply of hammers.  “The police just couldn’t catch up to him so me and my brother decided we’d just stop him on our own.  We’d just whack him with some hammers and be done with it.  Unfortunately, it didn’t go like we hoped.”
          “I heard the fast, hectic music first,” continued Ichabod.  “When he came over the hill he was glowing and flashing.  I knew the instant I saw him that it was over.  His face was just a tableau of rageful determination, piercing me with those staring, feral eyes.  Our hammers just bounced off of him.  He ran right through us, running over my brother and killing him.  He’s the mustachioed incarnation of hate dressed up in red overalls.  Damn him to Hell!”
          The terror finally ended when police were able to surround Mario as he sat atop a flagpole.  They warned him to surrender himself, but he defiantly gobbled down a mushroom, inexplicably doubled in size, and charged them.  Police were forced to open fire, shooting Mario to death.

Artist's rendering of what the fracas probably looked like

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