Michigan Boy Totally Kills Like 25 Ninjas

05/11/2011 at 11:34 pm | Posted in Literarily Yours | Leave a comment

This is a story created by Indianapolis author Corey Jefferson.  He is a regular contributor to this site’s Literarily Yours feature.

Michigan Boy Totally Kills Like 25 Ninjas

In the news, you often hear stories about people who came up against incredible odds, who dug deep inside of themselves to do something that no one thought the loser capable of, who may have even managed to somehow save a life or two, people largely regarded by society as heroes.  But we all know that those jerks aren’t real heroes.  Real heroes fight evil, often in the form of ninjas, and usually kill someone.  Kevin Berger, 12, of Midland, Michigan is one such hero.

It was an early morning first period algebra class just like Berger had been to every day for the last semester.  Mr. Close was blathering on about something in a manner that caused him to resemble the canter of a derriere.  Kids were either doodling SpongeBob in their Meads or drooling drool on their JanSports.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until, out of nowhere, like 25 ninjas burst in through the windows of the classroom and attempted to kidnap a student, Connie Bluth, 13, who had just moved to Midland and captured the heart of every boy in the 7th grade.  Like a true hero, Berger snapped into action, using his latent kung fu skills to kill or repel every last ninja.  By his own account, Berger was a tornado of brutality, snapping limbs and necks, throwing ninjas out windows.   They were so totally impressed by his awesomeness, that any ninjas who were smart enough to realize this and turn around before their necks were snapped, leapt back out of the window, lucky to escape with their lives.

“It was nothing,” commented a modest Berger while giving his account of the attack.  “I don’t consider myself a hero, I just feel sorry for everyone who ever called me a nerd.”  When asked if he was concerned about reprisal from the ninjas, Berger said, “No, because ninjas are intelligent and creatures of honor.  When they know that an enemy has bested them, they respect that integrity and avoid him out of noble esteem.”

This unbelievable story was collaborated by Berger’s best friend Joey Bishop.  “Yeah, uhh,” reported Bishop.  “Kevin was, like, awesome.  Hey, Kevin, do I get that Pokemon Black now?”

The real tragedy of this story is that instead of being raised up as the true hero that he so obviously is, Berger has endured more scrutiny and ridicule that ever.  Sources indicate that this may be due to the wide-spread jealousy and systematic sabotage of Berger’s intellect and kung fu skills.

“Everyone’s always been jealous of my Kevvie’s brains.  He’s had it hard being so smart,” said Berger’s mother, Judy, as she lay on a truly comfortable-looking sectional downing yet another handful of pills and swallow of whiskey.

Many school officials have declined to comment on the incident, probably due to the embarrassment of their inability to protect children from ninjas.  No ninja corpses have been found, as ninjas always carry off their dead and Mr. Close, like an evil, revisionist tyrant, has gone so far as to deny the entire incident outright.  As Connie Bluth was asleep on her desk, undisturbed thanks to the bravery and fighting prowess of Berger, she too was unable to comment on the attack.

Due to the suppression of apparent facts, the citizens of Midland may never fully embrace the hero that resides in their midst, ever vigilant, always watching through thick glasses.  However, he should rest assured that, for those people who do know about his heroism, he will be appreciated and revered always.  Unfortunately, as of yet, Connie Bluth is not reported to be among those people.

Just when you thought Kevin Berger couldn't get any more awesome

FOX Announces Changes a Week Before May Upfronts

05/11/2011 at 11:22 pm | Posted in iamnoahjames.com, Net/Spec | Leave a comment
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Next week, FOX has their May upfront presentation – but that didn’t stop them from announcing some shows that will not return next year a week early!

FOX has officially cancelled The Chicago Code, Breaking In, Human Target, Traffic Light, and Lie to Me.

Of course House was renewed for an 8th season (the official press release is below).  Not a surprise there, but I’d be curious to find out who won in the negotiations between FOX and NBCU (who produces the show).

New shows that have been picked up to series for next season are The Finder (Bones spin-off), Alcatraz (a JJ Abrams project), comedy I Hate My Teenage Daughter, & The New Girl.

Here’s the House press release:

PROGNOSIS GOOD FOR “HOUSE” AS HIT SERIES IS RENEWED FOR EIGHTH SEASON

All-New Episode Airs Monday, May 16, on FOX

FOX has renewed the hit series HOUSE for an eighth season, it was announced today by Kevin Reilly, President of Entertainment, Fox Broadcasting Company.

“Over the past seven seasons, HOUSE has redefined the medical drama and has given us one of television’s most compelling and iconic characters,” said Reilly. “From the producers to the incredible writers to the unbelievably talented cast and crew, the HOUSE team is fearless in its creativity and I can’t wait to see what they have in store next year.”

In the all-new “After Hours” episode, airing Monday, May 16 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX, THIRTEEN’s (Olivia Wilde) ex-con friend, DARRIEN (guest star Amy Landecker), arrives at Thirteen’s apartment unannounced and in need of urgent medical attention. When she finds out that her friend has relapsed into drug use, Thirteen promises not to take her to the hospital where the cops could find her and instead turns to CHASE (Jesse Spencer) in desperation. Meanwhile, HOUSE (Hugh Laurie) deals with devastating information, and TAUB (Peter Jacobson) begins to come to terms with surprising news.

HOUSE is an innovative take on the medical drama in which the villain is a medical malady and the hero is an irreverent, controversial doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients. The series is from Heel and Toe Films, Shore Z Productions and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with Universal Media Studios. Katie Jacobs, David Shore, Paul Attanasio, Bryan Singer, Russel Friend, Garrett Lerner, Thomas L. Moran, Greg Yaitanes and Hugh Laurie are executive producers. Become a fan of the series on Facebook atwww.facebook.com/house and follow the series on Twitter at www.twitter.com/houseonfox (@houseonfox).

FOX Loves Seth

05/10/2011 at 1:49 am | Posted in iamnoahjames.com, Net/Spec | Leave a comment
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If you love FOX Sundays, you’ll love this news:

Family Guy has been renewed for a 10th season, and The Cleveland Show for a 4th season.

Both shows were already renewed for next year, so these new renewals will air during the 2012-2013 season.

Paula and Simon Back Together Again

05/10/2011 at 1:45 am | Posted in iamnoahjames.com, Net/Spec | Leave a comment
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Great news (for Simon & Paula fans, at least)!!

GRAMMY AND EMMY AWARD WINNER PAULA ABDUL

JOINS CHERYL COLE, ANTONIO “L.A.” REID AND SIMON COWELL

ON “The X Factor” JUDGES PANEL

Auditions Continue in Dallas on Thursday, May 26

Singers and Vocal Groups Age 12 and Over Eligible to Audition

For Chance to Win a $5 Million Syco/Sony Music Recording Contract

America’s sweetheart, world-renowned choreographer and pop icon Paula Abdul will join Cheryl Cole, Antonio “L.A.” Reid and Simon Cowell as a judge on The X Factor, the highly anticipated singing competition series debuting this fall on FOX. Abdul, who sat alongside Cowell for eight seasons as a judge on American Idol, has worldwide album sales exceeding 50 million records, two No. 1 albums, six No. 1 singles, a Grammy Award, seven MTV Awards, two Emmy Awards, two People’s Choice Awards and two Kids’ Choice Awards. Abdul will join Cole, Cowell, and Reid as they travel to The X Factor audition cities searching for the next global superstar or breakout music group.

“This show would never have been the same without Paula and I can’t believe I am saying this – I have missed her a lot, and I am thrilled she’s on the show,” said Simon Cowell.

“I am excited beyond words to be a part of The X Factor.  I couldn’t be happier to bring my love for cultivating talent and performance to such a wildly anticipated show,” said Paula Abdul.   “I’m looking forward to being back with the FOX/FremantleMedia family and know that it will be an extraordinary journey — we’re going to have a blast.  I’m also delighted and grateful to be sitting next to Simon again…but you might want to check back with me in a week or two!”

“Paula is not only the lovely, nurturing person that America fell in love with, but she’s also one of the  fiercest competitors I’ve ever seen — which makes her a perfect fit to judge The X Factor,” said Mike Darnell, President of Alternative Entertainment, Fox Broadcasting Company. “Paula and Simon have undeniable chemistry, and together with L.A. Reid and Cheryl Cole, I think we’ve put together an incredibly entertaining judges’ panel.”

“I’m thrilled to be working with Paula again,” says executive producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz. “A consummate entertainer in her own right, she has an extraordinary talent and generosity for nurturing performers — and her chemistry with Simon Cowell is like no other. I especially look forward to seeing her signature sensibilities in action during our mentoring rounds!”

Auditions continue in Dallas, TX, on Thursday, May 26.

The X Factor is searching for undiscovered talent 12 years old or over – both solo artists and vocal groups – who are willing to brave the panel for a chance to win a $5 million recording contract with Syco/Sony Music.  Interested solo artists and vocal groups should sign up now for audition information at www.fox.com/theXfactor or call toll-free 855-345-5678 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 855-345-5678 end_of_the_skype_highlighting.

In a departure from other singing competition series, the first time contestants audition for The X Factor judges, they will do so in front of an audience of thousands – raising the stakes and increasing the pressure to impress not only the judges, but also a potential legion of fans. This will be the ultimate test to prove they have the vocal ability, charisma and stage presence that it takes to win an unprecedented $5 million recording contract with Syco/Sony Music.

As previously announced, Pepsi will serve as an official sponsor of The X Factor. The comprehensive sponsorship includes an extensive, multi-platform off-air marketing partnership; weekly in-show integrations and placements; and an immersive content experience online.

The X Factor is produced by Syco Television and FremantleMedia North America. Simon Cowell, Rob Wade and Siobhan Greene are executive producers for Syco Television. Cecile Frot-Coutaz, Richard Holloway and Andrew Llinares serve as executive producers for FremantleMedia North America.

About Paula Abdul

Paula Abdul is one of the most-recognized pop singers and choreographers in film, television, video, stage and live tours. Her celebrated work in choreography includes Emmy-winning contributions to “The Tracey Ullman Show” and Emmy-nominated choreography for the Academy Awards, as well as Abdul’s own performance on “The American Music Awards.” Other triumphs include her award-winning work with Janet Jackson, which garnered two MTV Video Awards; and working with such music legends as Aretha Franklin, George Michael, Luther Vandross, INXS, Heart and Prince. Abdul’s favorite memory is dancing alongside her idol, Gene Kelly, in a celebrated and acclaimed commercial campaign. Abdul’s choreography contributions in feature films include the Academy Award-winning “American Beauty,” working with Cuba Gooding Jr. on his Academy Award-winning performance in “Jerry Maguire” and transforming Val Kilmer into Jim Morrison in Oliver Stone’s “The Doors.” Abdul’s music career encompasses worldwide album sales exceeding 50 million records, two No. 1 albums, six No. 1 singles, a Grammy Award, seven MTV Awards, two Emmy Awards, two People’s Choice Awards and two Kids’ Choice Awards. She has also been honored with a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and inducted into Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Hall of Fame. Abdul served as a judge alongside Simon Cowell for eight seasons on the hit series American Idol. An acclaimed jewelry designer, Abdul introduced her Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection on QVC to record-breaking sales. The collection consists of charms, pendants, earrings and bracelets in a mix of textures and metals, adorned with meaningful phrases. Abdul, who got her first break as a Los Angeles Laker Girl, continues to honor her roots by running dance and cheerleading camps, competitions and scholarship programs throughout the country.

About “The X Factor

Since its debut in 2004, “The X Factor” has remained the U.K.’s #1 program for the last seven years, peaking with an audience of 21 million with 65% audience share for its 2010 finale. The format swiftly broke similar records around the world, where local versions have consistently rated #1 in 15 territories, with a worldwide audience now well over 100 million. In Denmark, it has ranked #1 for the last four years, peaking with an 80% share of the audience. In Colombia, it has consistently ranked #1 with a 75% share of the audience. Additionally, “The X Factor” consistently delivers a 50% to 65% share of the viewing audiences in Greece, Hungary, Netherlands, France and Italy – with the highest percentage of these shares in A15-34. In some markets, “The X Factor” has increased the channel average demographic by up to 250%. The series has received numerous honors worldwide, including three BAFTA awards, numerous NTA awards and the coveted Rose d’Or. In the U.K., an unprecedented 1.5 million iTunes downloads were made from “The X Factor” contestant performances in 2010. Globally, more than 100 million records have been sold by artists launched through the series, including over 90 #1 singles and albums and 150 Top Ten records.

About Sony Music Entertainment

Sony Music Entertainment is a global recorded music company with a current roster that includes a broad array of both local artists and international superstars. The company boasts a vast catalog that comprises some of the most important recordings in history. It is home to premier record labels representing music from every genre, including American Recordings, Arista Nashville, Arista Records, Battery Records, Beach Street Records, BNA Records, Columbia Nashville, Columbia Records, Day 1, Epic Records, Essential Records, Flicker Records, J Records, Jive Records, LaFace Records, Legacy Recordings, MASTERWORKS, Polo Grounds, RCA Records, RCA Nashville, RCA Red Seal, RCA Victor, Reunion Records, Roc Nation, Sony Classical, Sony Music Latin, Star Time International, Verity Gospel Music Group, and Volcano Entertainment. Sony Music Entertainment is a wholly owned subsidiary of Sony Corporation of America.

About Syco/Simon Cowell

Syco, with offices in London and Los Angeles, is a global music, television and film production joint venture between Simon Cowell and Sony Music Entertainment. Syco Television owns and produces the BAFTA Award-winning “The X Factor,” which has topped the charts around the world. Syco Television is also the owner of the “Got Talent” television format. Versions of both “The X Factor” and “Got Talent” are co-produced by Syco, and are shown in more than 70 countries and have won multiple awards including national television awards and BAFTAs. The X Factor launches in America on FOX in Fall 2011 with Cowell as a judge. Syco is also the record label home for such diverse international recording stars as Leona Lewis and Il Divo. Cowell has worked with artists selling more than 200 million albums and delivering more than 180 No. 1 records. Britain’s Got Talent in 2009 launched the global singing career of Susan Boyle. Her debut Syco album sold over 8 million units in six weeks, making it the world’s biggest-selling album of 2009 and the fastest-selling album in history and a total of 20 million records to date. In 2009, Cowell was named No. 1 in Hollywood Reporter’s Top 50 Most Powerful in Reality TV and Entertainment Weekly’s Top Entertainer of the Year. In 2010 Simon Cowell was awarded Variety International’s Humanitarian Award for his extensive charitable work, The Rose d’Or Golden Jubilee Award and BAFTA’s Special Award in recognition of his outstanding contribution to the entertainment industry and development of new talent. He also appeared on Time Magazine’s list of Most Influential People in the World and was awarded the International Emmy Founders Award.

About FremantleMedia North America

FremantleMedia North America (FMNA) is the U.S. production division of global media giant FremantleMedia. Based in Burbank, California, FMNA produces entertaining and innovative programs for network, cable, syndicated and online platforms, including the Emmy-nominated musical/reality phenomenon American Idol (FOX), “America’s Got Talent” (NBC), “What Chilli Wants” (VH1), “Hole In The Wall” (Cartoon Network), “Jump City: Seattle” (G4), “Let’s Make A Deal” (CBS), “Family Feud” (syn), “The Price Is Right” (CBS) and the much-anticipated The X Factor in Fall 2011.

Renewal Role Call

05/06/2011 at 12:34 pm | Posted in iamnoahjames.com, Net/Spec | Leave a comment

What’s new for the 2011-2012 season since the last update?

The CW renewed 902010, The Vampire Diaries, Supernatural, , Gossip Girl, & America’s Next Top Model.

E! has ordered a 2nd season of After Lately.

Though the 3rd season won’t air until this summer, MTV has renewed Teen Mom for a 4th season.

Comedy Central has ordered a second season of Workaholics.

Lifetime renewed Army Wives for a 6th season.

Judge Judy has been renewed through 2015.  Don’t be surprised, since her show is the top daytime show in syndication.

Blue Mountain State has been renewed by Spike TV for a 3rd season.

Freshman show Faily Legal has been renewed by USA.

Finally…

Bones has been renewed for a 7th season.

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