Michigan Boy Totally Kills Like 25 Ninjas

05/11/2011 at 11:34 pm | Posted in Literarily Yours | Leave a comment

This is a story created by Indianapolis author Corey Jefferson.  He is a regular contributor to this site’s Literarily Yours feature.

Michigan Boy Totally Kills Like 25 Ninjas

In the news, you often hear stories about people who came up against incredible odds, who dug deep inside of themselves to do something that no one thought the loser capable of, who may have even managed to somehow save a life or two, people largely regarded by society as heroes.  But we all know that those jerks aren’t real heroes.  Real heroes fight evil, often in the form of ninjas, and usually kill someone.  Kevin Berger, 12, of Midland, Michigan is one such hero.

It was an early morning first period algebra class just like Berger had been to every day for the last semester.  Mr. Close was blathering on about something in a manner that caused him to resemble the canter of a derriere.  Kids were either doodling SpongeBob in their Meads or drooling drool on their JanSports.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until, out of nowhere, like 25 ninjas burst in through the windows of the classroom and attempted to kidnap a student, Connie Bluth, 13, who had just moved to Midland and captured the heart of every boy in the 7th grade.  Like a true hero, Berger snapped into action, using his latent kung fu skills to kill or repel every last ninja.  By his own account, Berger was a tornado of brutality, snapping limbs and necks, throwing ninjas out windows.   They were so totally impressed by his awesomeness, that any ninjas who were smart enough to realize this and turn around before their necks were snapped, leapt back out of the window, lucky to escape with their lives.

“It was nothing,” commented a modest Berger while giving his account of the attack.  “I don’t consider myself a hero, I just feel sorry for everyone who ever called me a nerd.”  When asked if he was concerned about reprisal from the ninjas, Berger said, “No, because ninjas are intelligent and creatures of honor.  When they know that an enemy has bested them, they respect that integrity and avoid him out of noble esteem.”

This unbelievable story was collaborated by Berger’s best friend Joey Bishop.  “Yeah, uhh,” reported Bishop.  “Kevin was, like, awesome.  Hey, Kevin, do I get that Pokemon Black now?”

The real tragedy of this story is that instead of being raised up as the true hero that he so obviously is, Berger has endured more scrutiny and ridicule that ever.  Sources indicate that this may be due to the wide-spread jealousy and systematic sabotage of Berger’s intellect and kung fu skills.

“Everyone’s always been jealous of my Kevvie’s brains.  He’s had it hard being so smart,” said Berger’s mother, Judy, as she lay on a truly comfortable-looking sectional downing yet another handful of pills and swallow of whiskey.

Many school officials have declined to comment on the incident, probably due to the embarrassment of their inability to protect children from ninjas.  No ninja corpses have been found, as ninjas always carry off their dead and Mr. Close, like an evil, revisionist tyrant, has gone so far as to deny the entire incident outright.  As Connie Bluth was asleep on her desk, undisturbed thanks to the bravery and fighting prowess of Berger, she too was unable to comment on the attack.

Due to the suppression of apparent facts, the citizens of Midland may never fully embrace the hero that resides in their midst, ever vigilant, always watching through thick glasses.  However, he should rest assured that, for those people who do know about his heroism, he will be appreciated and revered always.  Unfortunately, as of yet, Connie Bluth is not reported to be among those people.

Just when you thought Kevin Berger couldn't get any more awesome


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