Another Stupid Sticker

02/23/2010 at 11:49 am | Posted in But I Digress... 2.0 | 1 Comment
Tags: , , , , , ,

Classic But I Digress… post

Originally released:  November 1st, 2006

Edited and re-released:  February 23rd, 2010

——————————————————————–

Ok, so I saw another idiotic bumper sticker. 

It read:

Share The Road & Trail With Bicycles

Ummm…what?!  Why would I share a trail with a bicycle?  I mean, why in the hell would I be frickin’ driving on a trail??

Ok, devil’s advocate time.  If I were, for some unknown reason, driving on a trail, a bicycle would be WAAAAY down on my list.  If that were happening, I’d be thinking:

1.  How in the eff did I get on a trail?

B.  How do I get home?

Threve.  How am I not hitting every tree on either side of this bike trail?

Fo’.  How am I going to get home?

V.  Did I just hit a moose?!

6.  Since when does Indiana have moose?

Lucky # Sleven.  Does my insurance cover moose dents?

Ate.  Am I even in Indiana anymore?

Niner.  How do I get back home from here?

Tan.  What gender is Lady Gaga?

So you see… worrying about a bicycle isn’t even in the first ten things I would think about if I were to drive on a trail.  Therefore, that bumper sticker is just asinine.

But I digress…

Cha Cha Cha…Dingleberries!!

02/11/2010 at 1:28 pm | Posted in But I Digress... 2.0 | 1 Comment
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Classic But I Digress… post

Originally released:  April 16th, 2006

Edited and re-released:  February 11th, 2010

——————————————————————–

There are many commercials in this world that are funny.  Some make us laugh; others make us cry.  Some feature stereotypical family situations (which will be another blog.  Trust me!); and some have adorable puppies.  Some are filled with music of inspiration, joy, love, feeling…then there are the commercials with bears wiping their asses.

Yeah, you read correctly.  No typos there.  Bears using toilet paper and discussing the correct amount of TP to use to scoop their stuff.

First off, the commercials exposed me to something I didnt know.  Bears poop next to trees(?!).  I always thought they were scratching their backs, but they were really…how shall I put this delicately… “dropping the kids off at the pool”??  Yeah that settles it:  I’m never going camping AGAIN!!  I mean, damn, no wonder my mom made me wash my hands when I came inside from climbing trees!  Sick.

In these very disturbing commercials, one bear explains to another bear that they simply use way too much toilet paper on their bear ass (no pun intended).  “You use 5 pieces?  Silly, use 3 instead.”  And all of this is in a sing-song, so that the viewers don’t get queasy at the thought of mountainous bear excrement.

What’s the big deal?“, you say.  “Everybody poops.”  That’s exactly what they want you to think!  The song is nice and calm and comforting; whereas if you really thought about it, you’d realize that a lot of bears eat fish.  We all know how good that smells!  Cows and horses eat grain, and their pies never smell good; so just magnify that 5x and you got a bear’s.  Now is it so damn wonderful?!

Then they had a follow-up commercial that just proved my point.  There’s a commercial for Charmin wet-wipes.  And why are these made?  The commercial explains:  “Sometimes TP doesnt get it all.”

Well no sh*t, stupid bears.  If you only use 3 squares, and your ass could be mistaken for Robin Williams, you are going to have a lot left over!!  A couple pieces aren’t going to eliminate all of the dingleberries!  So why don’t you just use the same amount of TP that you did in the first place, and it’ll same you both time AND money(how the bears can afford TP in the first place is a mystery to me)!

I don’t want a dancing bear with a poo-tail trying to sell me toilet paper.  I think everyone would agree with me that the fecal follies of bears are not an efficient way to push a product.

For me, I’ll stick with the old Charmin guy who proclaimed:  “Dont squeeze the Charmin.”  It was simple, to the point, and had a wise philosophy behind it.  Toilet paper is about privacy.  So what he really meant was to stay out of other people’s business.  In other words:  Don’t squeeze the Charmin, and don’t be nosey; because if you do, you’ll just wind up with crap on your hands.

But I digress…

Stupid Signs

02/02/2010 at 6:25 pm | Posted in But I Digress... 2.0 | 1 Comment
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Classic But I Digress… post

Originally released:  August 18th, 2006

Edited and re-released:  February 2nd, 2010

——————————————————————–

Ok, there are waaaay too many stupid signs or phrases out there, so I’m going to have to call them out from now on.  I tried to be nice and just let it go – but it’s gotten to be too much!

Awhile ago, I saw a bumper sticker on a truck that said, “I Brake for Trains.”  Well, dude, so do I.  So do MOST people who try to avoid being hit by a freaking billion ton train!  I don’t know many people who see a train coming, then say, “Bring it on, biotch.”  Why in the sh*tmuffins would you have this on your car?!  I mean, I’m sure his insurance company is happy to hear that – but other drivers?  Hey buddy, you know what’s a better way to make me know you brake for trains without sounding like a renob?  You reach the tracks and stop for the train to go by, your brakes will go off, and I’ll think, “Hmm.  He is braking for that train.  That’s Good.”  See?  How hard is that?

Now on to Exhibit B

Years ago, when I lived in Columbia City during July 4th, there was a huge banner that read: “FIREWROKS“. 

Not fireworks.  FireWROKS. 

Ok, I REALLY can’t figure out what’s worse – the sign company not noticing the painfully obvious typo, or the store putting it up anyways.  I was tempted to go into said store and ask how much their firewroks were.  I kind of regret not doing that now.  I don’t even know what a firewrok is!  Speaking of banners…

Outside of an eyeglass store, there is a banner that reads: “BUY 1, GET 1.”  My first thought was, “Well…no sh*t.”  I know I’m no mathmagician, but isn’t it common sense that when you buy one thing, you GET one thing?  They spent a lot of money to create something that everybody knows anyway.  I just feel sorry for the poor bastards that go in there thinking they will get something for free if they buy one first; because that’s not what the sign says will happen. 

Finally…

I absolutely cringe when I see the sign in a restaurant bathroom that reads something like:

EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK.” 

Now I know that is there to make customers feel better, knowing that there isn’t fecal matter on food; but for me it does the opposite.  I don’t want to eat at a place where they force their employees to wash their hands after “taking a Kirk Cameron” (as I call it).  Makes me wonder what happens in the kitchen if employees always have to be reminded to be clean.  I want to eat at a place where the employees wash because they know it’s the right thing to do. 

Here are some examples of bathroom signs that would get the point across without sounding ominous:

OUR EMPLOYEES WASH AFTER DROPPING ANCHOR, AND YOU SHOULD TOO.

or

WASH UP.  ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT.

or

DROPPED ONE IN THE PAN?  REMEMBER TO WASH YOUR HAN….DS

Ok, so that last one was rough, but you get my point.  Anyways, so those are some signs that are just plain dumb.  I’m sure there will be more in the future.

But I digress 

(Have you seen any signs that you thought were incredibly stupid?  Email them to me)

Wal-Mart Greeters are Dooshes

01/22/2010 at 1:39 pm | Posted in But I Digress... 2.0 | 1 Comment
Tags: , ,

Classic But I Digress… post

Originally released:  February 5th, 2006

Edited and re-released:  January 22nd, 2010

———————————————————

Let me ask you something:

If you have a job, you have to do that job, right? 

For example, if you are a custodian, you have to clean the building; not just decide that you will only wipe the windows.  And if you were a landscaper, you know that your job is more than digging.  You can’t just spend your day chucking firecrackers down gopher holes.

So why in the fart is it ok for Wal-Mart greeters to choose who they say hi to?  I cannot count how many times I’ve gone into Wal-Mart and the old greeter women just ignored me.  Hell, at one point, the old woman saw me come in, turned around, and walked away!  What is that about?! 

Listen, lady, so I’m not 40 years old.  I’m not pushing screaming kids in a shopping cart.  But you know what?  Say hello anyways.  I’m not the punk kid who blares his music past your house, or who keeps hitting his baseball into your yard; but if you don’t say hello, I’ll switch your Preparation H with Ben Gay.

Your job (believe it or not) is to -and here’s where the mind-blowing part comes in- GREET people who walk in.  It’s in your f*cking job title!  That’s right; when you see or hear a new person come in, you vocalize a type of greeting.  So unless you are Helen Keller, your job is the EASIEST JOB IN THE WORLD!

You can’t be so selective at a job.  If I was a teacher, I wouldn’t help the smarter kids and fling pencils at the slower ones.  If I was a marine biologist, I wouldn’t sucker-punch dolphins.  So guess what, you old bag, greet EVERYBODY!

For those of you out there who have had the same experience, I say let’s rise up!  If you walk in, and a greeter ignores you, walk right up and shake their hand.  Better yet, hug them.  As you hold them, cup the back of their head and whisper softly, “Shhhhh.  You don’t have to say a word.  I can feel what you are thinking, and you gotta know I feel the same.”  Or:  “I’ll meet you behind the produce.”  Maybe then they will decide that simply waving a hello isn’t pushing them out of their comfort zone.

But I digress…

Revisiting “But I Digress…” Posts

01/22/2010 at 1:11 pm | Posted in But I Digress... 2.0 | Leave a comment
Tags:

To help bring these past subjects out to a new audience, I will be releasing classic But I Digress… posts. 

Most of the time, they won’t simply be copy & pasted on here.  I will probably edit them – as my writing has evolved, and those posts aren’t written to But I Digress…2.0‘s standards.

So enjoy!  And please let me know what you think!!

Next Page »

Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.